Disclaimer: I know that my in-laws read my blog … In fact, they read almost everything I write.
Let me begin by describing this weekend – Amidan celebrated his birthday with the extended family while at the Jersey shore. Sunday started with hours in the water park, and ended with two huge cakes, and enough presents that Toy-r-us might need to restock. Grandma and Grandpa went all out, and on our rather long drive home, Amidan told me this was his best birthday ever!
Fast forward 24 hours to the actual birthday – in fact, less than 24 hours later, my father-in-law sat in his car for three hours so that he could take Amidan out for a birthday dinner! Amidan and the girls were ecstatic to see Grandpa again! Amidan who kind of realizes that New Jersey is not around the corner from Baltimore told me again last night that he had the best birthday ever, and has the best grandpa ever. When dinner was over, two hours after Grandpa arrived, he was back in his car driving home to NJ so that he could be at his next grandchild’s birthday breakfast the following day!
Wow — my kids are lucky… I would argue that they have the best grandparents ever … but really it is me who is so lucky — I am blessed with the best in-laws ever!
Confession #1 – I might have known my mother-in-law to be for all of 3 days, when she turned to me and said “If you are going to marry my son, you will call me mom!” I almost had a heart-attack. This expectation was so unexpected, and felt so intense, all I could do was pick up the phone to call my mom and say “what do I do now?” My mom laughed. She gave me a lesson on daughter-in-law etiquette which basically amounted to “if you she wants you to call her Queen – call her Queen, you will be her daughter in law”. I lost many nights sleep over these two conversations. How do you can someone else mom? I felt kind of lucky, I called my mother Ima — so at least Mom would be someone else?
I never imagined how I would feel two years later. My mom was gone unexpectedly, and suddenly it did not seem so hard to say the words Ma – to my mother-in-law. You see, it was no longer about her expectation or desire … it became about the relationship. When the unexpected happens it is hard to imagine how far the ripples will stretch … I never could have imagined how grateful I would feel picking up the phone in the morning to call Mom and say hello, or to tell her some ridiculous thing her grandchildren had done that morning. I never imagined how good I would feel, when I realized that she was calling me on her way to work many mornings, the same time she speaks to her two daughters.
Confession #2 I would not have made it through college or graduate school without my father and his knowledge of English grammar or his advice when my ideas were just so crazy that they needed grounding. It was different with my father-in-law. My dad’s passing was not as unexpected. Philip and I have odd things in common – like a passion for Jewish education. It is not that he didn’t have expectations when I joined his family, I am sure he did. But for the last four years, other than this blog, there is nothing I have written that Philip has proofed and offered feedback. My greatest sermon readers are my in-laws. When I want to present to new project or idea to the synagogue; Philip goes over it with a fine tooth comb. He challenges my assumptions, speaks from his own experience, and is always ready to offer concrete advice. And as an added benefit, he does not make fun of my poor grammar nearly as often as my dad enjoyed doing.
I recently met a new friend and colleague, and in an add conversation we both found out that we are parents whose parents are no longer alive. She told me about this group or philosophy called ” parent-less parenting,” and Confession #3 is that while I am very interested, the whole idea kind of scares me.
I spoke with my mom every single day, sometimes two or three times a day. I feel her absence the most in relationship with parenting my own children. But damn I am lucky. My parents are gone but both my children and I are blessed with the most amazing grandparents and in-laws a person could imagine!
I hear friends talking all the time about the “dreadful in-laws.” I actually get embarrassed, to tell people how amazing my in-laws are and authentic our relationship has become.
It still makes me really sad my kids won’t know my folks. I feel like they will never hear stories about me as a child, the trouble I caused, or the great things I accomplished. But that is really my issue — and maybe that is what parent-less parenting is all about. My children on the other hand are getting a more than full dose of grandparent love and affection! They adore their grandparents and they are adored! What more could an Ima want?
As for me, I am damn lucky. I adore my in-laws the same way my kids do. And I know from experience not many women can say that. We only get gifted one set of parents in this world — but those of us who are really really lucky, can find surrogates who make their ever day lives feel full, blessed, and very special.